Nothing But Love Blah, blah, blah :: this is my view of my life -- some of it.
Friday, May 30
i'm not going to be doing this too much anymore. i will when i feel up to it. things are just too tough right now; and, believe it or not, i'm really not the kind of person who REALLY opens up. i've felt a lot of love here, and i'm sure i'll be looking in on you guys often, but it's just too hard, too painful, to try to write from "behind the curtain." hugs.
dammit! this is the second time i'm writing this. shut up. i know, i know: clipboard. shut up.
matty got home from cancun last night (back to pennsylvania) and hasn't been off the toilet since. so his and mel's visit home (here) has to be delayed until next weekend. bummer. we went shopping last night for lots of fresh fruit and other good stuff for weekend meals, so we'll freeze what we can, and pig out on the rest. i cannot believe how good the produce looks at our brand new costco. i don't know if it's always this good or if costco is just trying to get the people into the new store.
next weekend they'll be in town to pick out the tuxes for the wedding (!) and register at the sears home store for our july 5 shower. it's going to be a coed tool "stuff" shower, and sears has the widest selection and a registry. home depot doesn't (WHY NOT???) have a bridal registry. i thought they did, but i was wrong. lowe's doesn't either. we're gonna have a barbecue. showers are NEVER as much fun for the guests as the hosts, so ANY suggestions on how to make this less painful would be greatly appreciated.
i'm taking off an extra day on tuesday to draw this weekend out for me. i've been feeling pretty burned out here at work and trying to get rid of that by all of these long weekends. any ideas on how to help me with THAT? anyway, i think the weekend will be pretty much dedicated to napping, relaxing, eating, catching a couple of movies, and recharging of batteries. oh, and ...
miss beagle "scout" lang will be making her debut on this site sometime this weekend. bill's picking her up this afternoon. sheba's feeling pretty lonely, she's not used to being an "only dog." i don't want her to be jealous, though, so not too much attention for the puppy, please. i think i'll make her an "I'M THE BIG SISTER!" t-shirt.
but what REALLY kills me is this quote from that article: Attorneys for some of the students appealing suspensions, including Holz's attorney, Larry Kaplan, said they would reject the offer. Kaplan said his client is suing for reinstatement and would not sign the deal "as a matter of principle."
A MATTER OF PRINCIPLE????? you'd be better serving your client, counselor, if you had her write an essay on the meaning of that word -- principle.
the term "ambulance chaser" is kinda cute, given what YOU'RE doing, buddy.
oh. and you parents? 10,000 words on consequences, parenting, integrity, AND principles. you missed a BIG ONE here.
this morning after i sent a fax to some guy in our corporate office, he e-mailed me to send the fax to somebody else who was now in charge of that. same department, same fax number. i quickly wrote back, "can you please HAND IT TO HER???!!!"
thank goodness he wrote back quickly saying he gave it to her cuz i had already started typing another e-mail to him, "if, after you have handed the fax to her, you feel you need a nap, you have my permission."
bill and i got engaged the summer right after my high-school graduation and his freshman year in college. we were YOUNG.
before we got engaged, i thought his family liked me. except for his one sister (S) who i had known quite well through junior high and high school. it seemed she wasn’t thrilled with me.
my “step-father” person (i will call him joe from now on if i feel it’s necessary to refer to him) believed it was a waste of time for a female to go to college. my godfather had always let it be known that he wanted to pay for my college education; but when he offered again, joe (doh!) told him that if anybody was going to do this (which obviously, joe – doh! – WASN’T), nobody would. i was not consulted. men’s business. i needed to learn some kind of skill as i went through high school in the college prep / honors track, meaning i was prepared for nothing (except further education). my older sister was a barber – i wanted nothing to do with that; so i decided to attend (as if it was MY decision) secretarial / business school.
when we told bill’s parents we were engaged and planning to marry before bill’s senior year in college, bill’s dad walked out of the room without saying a word and would not return (i assume he returned sometime after bill took me home because i saw him in the living room on other days). i went home and cried. and cried. i’m crying now at the memory. see my post before “chicken nuggets.”
i know bill’s dad worried that bill would not be able to finish his education (being married and all, you know); in fact, not only did he finish his undergraduate degree, but he went on to law school – ALL THE WHILE, being supported by moi. we paid all the tuition loans ourselves also.
bill’s mom and i became quite close in those years, i thought. bill’s sisters were ALWAYS aloof and superior. bill’s relationship with them naturally suffered.
i wanted to be close to bill’s parents, as mine were nothing to write home about. i tried not to let the sisters (S and s) bother me – i have three sisters whom i adore (no void in that department). from very early on, bill and i spent as much time with hid parents as possible. i can probably count on one hand when we missed a week not having them over for dinner. bill’s dad loved my cooking, especially my chicken paprikash and navy bean soup. i tried to cook his favorites as much as possible. over the years, especially during our boys’ early years, we became closer. except for when the sisters were in town. it became increasingly difficult for me to pretend warmth. they were ALWAYS polite; S, in particular, however, clearly had difficulty in allowing me to be a part of the family. it wasn’t just ME, though – it was also our children. i remember one time when before a trip home, she wrote bill a note requesting that they go out to dinner – just the 5 of them. bill was always hurt by these kinds of things. while they were in town (and it seemed for the month or two after they left), there was a chill in the air with mom and dad, too. it was my feeling that they didn’t want to seem disloyal to the sisters by appearing too close to me. i guess it didn’t matter that bill was hurt. he’d just have to handle it.
i will NEVER say that my behavior was exemplary. i had a very difficult time hiding my bitterness towards his sisters. but i was good to bill’s parents. always. it was ME who had bill set up our weekly dinners. it was ME who prompted bill to call his parents at least three or four times a week. it was ME who hired cleaning people for them – for an entire year! it was ME who suggested to bill that we needed to start supplementing their groceries, and for at least two years before they moved (unless one of his sisters was in town) rallied bill on a weekly basis to make a trip to sam’s for a restock. it was ME who had bill invite his parents to school events, hockey weekends, etc. i’m sure no one knows it was me who did most of this, but EVERYBODY knows who did the cooking! still, it never got any better with bill’s sisters. in retrospect (AND AS A PARENT MYSELF), i blame bill’s parents for not saying “ENOUGH!” to bill’s sisters. i’m sure bill’s sisters were never told of our involvement in mom and dad’s lives. through the years, we (the boys) had to take over all of their lawn care – 1 ½ hours travel time! bill at one time talked to the clerks in the two court systems where the majority of his case work is located and arranged that all hearings in those courts be scheduled at a later time in the day as he needed to get his father walking. his dad’s health deteriorated very quickly in the past 10 years. bill wanted them to meet him at a local mall every morning and walk with them. he was able to get his dad to walk with him ONCE. dad wouldn’t do it again. bill fought his dad tooth and nail about his health. about what to eat. about exercising. about the entire kitchen cupboard filled with pills. dad felt that he didn’t have to do ANYTHING to help himself. the pills would do it all. the pills did nothing. the doctor continued to prescribe and prescribe until the cupboard was filled.
increasingly, it became clear that something was going on with mom. her memory was going. quickly. bill talked to his dad. bill wrote his sisters. dad said, “what are you talking about? she’s fine.” bill sisters replied that, “sure, there are some normal cognitive deficits. nothing out of the ordinary.” he got nowhere. he tried to get them to let him know when they were going to the doctor so he could accompany them and express his concerns. but it was clear that dad (who knows what mom felt) did NOT want bill to go with them. bill would be told that there was an appointment the next day, he’d change his schedule all around, he’d call that evening, oh, it was today. or oh, we canceled it. or oh, it’s at a different time (when they KNEW he couldn’t make it.
bill’s dad died in october after having his foot cut off in august. bill’s mom’s memory problems have (finally) been diagnosed since s moved them to north carolina to live with her in december, 2001. she’s not good though. we know she’s happy, though, living with s.
again, i don’t think bill’s sisters had any idea of our involvement in mom and dad’s lives. i blame mom and dad for that. we’ve heard through the family grapevine that S, in fact, BLAMES bill for the deterioration of his parents’ health. that bill was so overwhelmed and involved in his own family life to notice what was happening with his parents. neither of bill’s sisters has married or had children. bill has a wife, two sons, and a semi-son. bill’s wife (me) was diagnosed with ms after a YEAR of uncertainty (the doctors were worried that it was an inoperable brain tumor during that YEAR). S has never even apparently noticed that i walk with a cane, and that my entire left side of my body is stupid. or perhaps she’s noticed, but can’t be bothered to acknowledge it. THAT was a tough year. during that YEAR, how much support were they for bill? the answer is NONE. bill’s youngest son – well you all know about jackson. we never told them about jackson – we heard lots of nasty comments about jackson that originated from bill’s family during the bad time; and none of us felt we could trust them with our hearts. bill himself was told he had his own heart attack two years ago. he told S. again never acknowledged. she also never noticed the 75 pound weight loss after the scare. so, perhaps, PERHAPS, bill HAS had some family stuff to deal with. but he also took care of his parents to the very best of his ability (AND with the support and involvement of his wife and sons). while you, S, lived out of town. and judged. but, as a matter of fact, you judged poorly, didn’t you? i remember bill calling you to tell you that SOMETHING had to be done, that mom and dad could not live alone any longer, that at the very LEAST they needed to move to the assisted living center two miles away from US, and you told bill HE WAS EXAGERATING. look in the mirror, S. and if you can’t do that – keep your damned mouth shut.
so here i am at the end of this story – and i want to say something that won’t make a lot of sense based on what i’ve written so far. here goes. i’ve learned that I CAN’T DO IT ALONE. if i could, i would. believe me. i would NEVER choose for my sons the pain bill’s had all these years. will ALWAYS have. MEET ME HALFWAY is all i’m asking.
as soon as any of my guys read this, they know what’s coming.
consequences. one of the hardest concepts to teach your kids. when my boys were very young, actually it was only matt at the time, i hit on this. when you go to macdonald’s and you order the chicken nuggets, you OBVIOUSLY have to pay for them. if you don’t have the money in your pocket, DON’T ORDER THEM. metaphor for misbehaving. you KNOW if you do such and such, THIS CONSEQUENCE will occur. you know it. if you don’t want the consequence, don’t do such and such. the consequence is the PRICE OF CHICKEN NUGGETS.
this concept has been shortened over the years to just plain “chicken nuggets.” the guys use this term as much as i do – just not in public.
i am CONSTANTLY on the verge or in the midst of a weeping attack. goddamned hormones. that's my story, and i'm sticking to it.
i'm NOT saying there's no stress going on here at nbl, i'm just saying i'm usually better at handling it. don't get me wrong, i -- probably more than most humans -- can tear up at a lot of things (a conversation, a commercial, etc.), i just don't usually sit around crying to myself. like i'm doing right now. wtf?
StaceyLng: read dad's blog and then prepare to KILL HIM.
buythemonkey: okay
buythemonkey: hahahahaha
StaceyLng: what????????????????
buythemonkey: he shocked himself
StaceyLng: kill him now.
buythemonkey: hahahahaha
StaceyLng: i will if you don't.
buythemonkey: i told him to wait for dave
StaceyLng: am i the only grownup in this house?
StaceyLng: kick his ass. he believes it is only me who thinks this is NUTS.
buythemonkey: it's funny
buythemonkey: what???????
StaceyLng: it's funny that he almost electrocuted himself?
buythemonkey: yes
StaceyLng: dear god -- it's too late. you've been infected.
buythemonkey: because he didn't electrocute himself
StaceyLng: dear god, i repeat ...
i am appealing for help from you all. please, please go kick his ass. do NOT encourage this kind of behavior.
charlene has had a couple of posts this week that got me ranting in her comments and thinking and remembering.
i never taught my kids about stranger danger. i didn’t have that luxury. for me – and for my kids – bad people could be friends or relatives. so when they went to school (and thus were out of my “control”), we had a password system. if ANYBODY showed up to pick them up, other than mom or dad, AND I MEAN ANYBODY (nana, papa, aunt pj, best friend’s mom or dad) it was only because i asked him or her to do it – and thus they would know the password. if he or she did not know the password, it meant bill or i did not ask, and do not go with him or her (even if it’s nana, papa ...). i made no exceptions to this, because i didn’t want the little guys to have to figure out if it was ok or not. it was easy. no password – no go. password – ok.
if you think about it, there are probably people in your lives that you trust with you, but not with your kids. don’t make your kids try to figure it out. if the rules extend to everybody, then they don’t even worry about it. if you make any exceptions, then they wonder why. not their problem or responsibility.
the other thing we did when the boys were little was to print out and laminate little business cards with all the phone numbers for them (and school teachers and administrators and babysitter) to hold on to so that we could be contacted at any time. bill and i both got cell phones to insure this. the card listed home phone, cell phone, office phone, bill’s pager, and nana’s phone number.
on matt’s 7th birthday, bill and i left him at home with the babysitter in the morning so we could run out and pick up a few last-minute birthday things. i remembered after we left that we forgot about his swimming lesson at the local pool. i called a neighbor friend whose son was also in the class and asked her if she could take matt. i explained the password system but couldn’t reach the babysitter at home as it was july and they were outside playing. marilyn walked over and said, “matt, your mom asked me to take you to swimming lessons this morning.” i had asked her not to volunteer the password until matt asked. matt said right off, “do you know the password?” marilyn: “jelly omelette.” matt then went with marilyn to the pool. marilyn was thrilled and called to tell me this when matt and her son started their lesson. she was not offended one bit.
one other note: my sister and i were taken out of school when we were 8 and 9 by our non-custodial FATHER and on a plane to florida within an hour of leaving the school. i didn’t see my mother for a year and a half.
the other day as bill and i were on our way home from our trip to don and lee’s, we passed a house that periodically has a sign outside for “beagle puppies for sale.” we’ve even tried to get a puppy from this old guy before – we saw the sign one week, mulled it over, the next week the sign was down. it was up again on sunday.
this time when we saw the sign, we knew we were ready for a puppy. sheba’s seeming a little depressed and all of a sudden a lot older since betsy’s gone. she is normally a really doofy, puppy-like 7-year-old. and since we were really pushing high-calorie dog food with the bets at the end, sheba’s weight has ballooned. time to get going finding a puppy.
so we stopped. the old guy who breeds the dogs rescues beagles and finds them homes. he had quite a few dogs kenneled at his house. there were two females and one male puppy still available from the litter. we picked out a sweet little dark female, and bill promptly named her “scout.” i said, “fine. scout’s her middle name though. beagle scout is her full name.” she’s only six and a half week’s old, though, so we don’t get her until next friday.
i’m a little nervous that sheba will be happy about this, too. she’s lost two sisters just this year. if you had been reading bill’s blog last year, you’ll remember that cocoa and sheba’s “relationship” was not good. cocoa was adopted from the local pound, but we found out too late that she had a very rare and extremely aggressive nature that appeared very sporadically. when i say dog fight, i’m talking the kind of dog fight where blood and fur are flying – halfway across the room! our vet’s trainer was obviously freaked out when she witnessed this. sheba had to fight to protect herself. cocoa was fighting to maim or kill. these were not typical dominance fights. it was heartbreaking all around. sheba is left with scars on her ears, and we are now wary about any kind of dominance issues for sheba and another dog. so we carefully questioned the breeder on the puppy’s parents. we were looking for pretty docile parents. the mother was clearly timid. i hope we haven’t gone too far the other way. we’ll see.
we are all excited, in spite of our concerns. onward. it’s the right thing, hopefully the right puppy. we all miss the big betsy so much – i’m hoping little scout will fill some of the emptiness for us AND sheba.
i’m sure you’ll be hearing a lot about our new puppy adventures. and pictures, too. wish us luck!
this guy used "antepenultimate" in a BLOG! umm. maybe that's NOT the best way to get you to check him out. he's smart, funny, sweet, bawdy. very, very cool.
Easy, Breezy, Beautiful Stacey.
Let the Bill Begin.
At 29p a Matthew, It's Not a Stress on Your Pocket.
Do The Jackson.
If You Really Want To Know, Look In The Mark.
i don't know why these are so funny, maybe there's something wrong with me.
2. i think i deserve to be taken out to dinner, don't you? DON'T YOU??? he DID, but we had mother's day running around to do, so we had take out.
3. a good night's sleep. got that.
4. mocha yup.
5. off for a day and night in the country. lee and i will go to the longaberger basket factory. bill and don will shoot things and move dirt around with real earth movers (not tonka toys). i am almost jealous. bought no baskets at longaberger, but purchased some other neat stuff. DID purchase some lovely baskets from an amish buggy on the way to don and lee's. bill went a'huntin.' we come home from don and lee's like brand new people. it is an amazing thing for us to do, so out of our element in some ways. don and lee are THE ABSOLUTE BEST ! we talk, laugh, eat, relax, and experience a whole new side of life for us.
6. lee believes people need to be fed entire meals every two hours. so consumption of mass quantities of good food will be involved, i'm sure. lee extended the time between meals, but still huge quantities were consumed. mmmmm.
7. then we go OUT for the evening. i'm guessing food will be involved there, too. and gambling. appetizers only, SO LEE, OF COURSE FED US AGAIN when we got back. good time. it was a reverse raffle. we WERE the last ticket called, but unfortunately, it was in the loser's raffle after the big reverse raffle.
8. sleep. yup.
9. eat some more. obviously.
10. drive home. yup.
11. mocha. AFTER mother;s day gala, but yup. the gay guy in starbucks is gonna get his ass kicked soon if he doesn't cut out the flirting with bill.
12. let the mother's day gala begin! happy mother's day to me. happy mother's day to me, happy mothers day to alla you bloggers, happy mother's day to me.
86. i am finishing this today. i swear to god i am finishing this today.
87. i have a “thing” for baskets. i used to make ‘em. now i just buy them. they are all over my house. bill collects watches and pens – i collect baskets. i don’t mean “collect” in the way some people collect stamps. i mean collect as in “buy.”
88. today i am pissed at dick cheney (the halliburton thing). i’d say “shame on you, dick,” but i don’t think that’s possible. the dick is shameLESS. i guess you think it’s good enough that there are enough REAL americans who are ashamed of this WHOLE, FUCKING MESS. that you and georgie made. sickening. you soul-less sack-o-shit.
89. today i’m also pissed at the kids (girls AND boys) at the illinois high school who “hazed” the junior girls in the powder puff football game. come on administrators – get your shit together – you know who these kids are. identify them. and local authorities – charge them. FELONY ASSAULT. call it what it is. hazing. bullshit. oh wait. these seniors are probably the cream of the crop up there, huh? might jeopardize a few scholarships? take away the warm fuzzies you all are feeling about your fucking round pegs???
90. my brain is too angry from those last two entries to think clearly right now. give me a minute and i’ll be on number ...
91. i have one of those “aqua baby” frogs that is over 3 year's old on my desk at work. i bought it because i was told that they only live about a year. i didn’t sign up for this! bill killed two of them within a month. i mean freddie is cute and all, but it’s not like i’m emotionally attached to him (her?).
92. 92. 92. 92. hmmm. oh. and how bout that bill bennett? and his estimated $8,000,000 gambling spree in the past ten years? book of virtues. shit. download fucking solitaire and feed a couple of other rich families for a LIFETIME, mr. morality. mr. principles. you know what? yeah, you had every right to spend your money in whatever ridiculous way you want; but don’t pretend to be so fucking VIRTUOUS, kay? kay?
93. ok. let me talk about something good. i think my husband is soooo smart and compassionate and loving. i can’t believe i found him when i was so young. so lucky. i know – this is really sappy, but i need to relax here. these fucking republicans have got me so pissed today.
94. family values. love that term. i just think it means something COMPLETELY different than what a lot of people think it means.
95. i’d like to go on record and say to the osbourne’s (ozzy, sharon, jack) that i also am proud of jack’s voluntary admission to rehab for drugs. you guys are DEFINITELY weird, but not bad. or evil. and i kinda like weird. i heard a radio “drive team” the other morning sarcastically discussing the osbourne’s “lovely family values” in admitting jack to rehab. FUCK YOU! who the hell do you think you are? better to dress jack up real pretty in some kind of abercrombie and fitch uniform and pretend he’s perfect??? that would be your kind of family values. raise some real cute and presentable sick fucks like in #89. we need more of ‘em. need to clone some more dicks and georges for the next round.
96. i once called dr. laura. do you fucking believe it??? me??? but guess what? somebody who was related to the subject of the call heard me on the radio and recognized me and the situation!!! DO NOT CALL DR. LAURA. IT IS NOT A GOOD IDEA, trust me. just e-mail me with your problems. ummm. maybe not. but DO NOT CALL DR. LAURA. period.
97. i once got yelled at on a nationally broadcast radio show by dr. laura. ok. i cheated by making this a new number. sue me.
98. bill and i clean up real good, and people think that we think the same way they do. you kind of have to get to know us to figure out that that is not the case. even a lot of bill’s family think they know him, but they’re not even close.
99. i’m not real fond of some of bill’s family. and NOT for the reasons THEY think.
100. do NOT call dr. laura.
harry chapin (bill and i are watching one of his last performances) and the news story today about the senior/junior girl's "hazing" (i place that word in quotation marks because hazing is much too nice of a word for what these girls did to their classmates) incident have me thinking -- AGAIN -- about things that have happened with my kids in the past. harry just sang his song about the little boy who colors flowers in all the different colors of his crayons and is corrected by his teacher. she wants him to conform.
never been a strong suit here in langville. conformity. [a relative once DID call bill and me "mr. and mrs. pta" once -- believe me, our local pta would not have taken THAT kindly.] anyway, here's the story. bill and i go to school -- jackson's in second grade -- for his second-grade parents' day thingy. we walk in, and the first thing you notice is the chalk tray in the front of the room. lined up in the chalk tray are lovely head portraits of the kids' parents. one for the mom, one for the dad. sweet. except the two that bill and i IMMEDIATELY identify as the jackal's art work. the big bald male head has SOMETHING hanging out of its mouth. later we're told, "IT'S A PORK CHOP!" of course it is. duh. the lady next to us starts whining about her child's artistic representation of her. i have no sympathy and respond, "at least YOU'RE not holding a MACHINE GUN!"
everybody in the classroom can see that i'm holding a machine gun in my portrait (just like patty hearst's sla photograph, but without the beret). they are afraid to look me in the face, they are so embarrassed for me. but the kids are not embarrassed -- they've been DYING to see my reaction. but we're not embarrassed. i think it's pretty cool.
i've experienced that averting-of-the-eyes thing since then, too. that drug addict thing. i'm not supposed to be proud.
but these kids in illinois -- the senior girls AND the boys who egged them on. feel shame. please, please feel shame. for the rest of your lives. and parents of these kids -- you, too.
i took off last friday and yesterday to make a nice long weekend. had a really great leisurely coupla days. the sore throat and cold symptoms held off until last night. i've been fighting off ear infections for about a week, too. it's all coming at me pretty quick now. i'm really swamped at work -- need to catch up before i succomb. wish me luck. i'm goin' to bed.
last night after dinner, bill had work to do, i wanted to read, so we head upstairs early. comfortable old marriage evening. i read something to him from the book i thought was clever, and saw he was working on an e-mail. he said he was responding to a blog friend. i said what about? this is what i HEAR: “you of all people would understand a little something on the side.” something like that. WHAT?????!!!!!
three hours later (the fight would PROBABLY make the top-5 list), bill understands what i THOUGHT i heard, says it said “HUGH of all people ...”
Nothing But Love
